Photo credit: Alicia & Brett on Snippet & Ink
A friend sent this article today and though I am an as yet unmarried lady, I thought - here is a perspective I agree with.
Now I'm not a talk-it-to-death person. I don't believe that regular long talks opining on life and every contingency need to be a part of a relationship. We're a generation that talks everything down to a morsel.
That said, I am a strong believer in making sure that you and the person you decide to marry are on the same page going into the whole thing. How long do you want to wait to have kids? How many do you want? Do you believe kids should be seen and not heard? (If so, let's reconsider the whole relationship...) Here are some basics that I plan to discuss with my mans before I walk down that aisle:
The kid talk. When do we want to start and how many do we want.
Touch on raising kids a bit. It may seem premature, but you might be surprised by what your boyfriend/girlfriend says. For example, it's really important to me that my child play a team sport. That will be mandatory. I also will insist on church.
An appropriate way to divide house chores. (This is a BIGGIE I think that can cause resentment if it's not just laid out from the start. I know, because I like to cook and *gasp* to clean. So it's easy to take advantage.)
Finances. Do we want to blend everything? How much do we want to save? What are we saving for? And - I live in a community property state. Which means, 50 cents of every $1.00 I make while I'm married is automatically his. I've already talked to my boyfriend about how I want a prenup whenever I marry, just to get out of the community property business. Com Prop states are far in the minority in the US, and I didn't grow up in one. I think it creates more issues than it solves, and I see a prenup the same way I see buckling my seatbelt in the car - it's something I do just as normal procedure when I get in the car, and I hope I'll forget about it and never actually need it.
Inlaws. You and your other might have very differing views on what are appropriate visiting hours and frequency. And, while we're at it, touching on holidays would be smart. Growing up, my parents always had one set of in laws come for Thanksgiving, and another for Christmas. That worked for our family, but I also have a good friend who decided with her husband that Christmas is something just for them as a couple and eventually as a small family.
Get the secret issues out and over. Does it kill you that your boyfriend every-so-often talks to an ex? Is the non-use of coasters causing stains on your furniture and driving you mad? Any of these things that are building more secret resentment and unlikely to change should be squashed. And who knows? It might be an easy fix. I once had a roommate who SLAMMED her door every morning, every time she left or entered her room. Even when I was sleeping. After losing sleep and getting myself more and more worked up over a period of weeks I finally mentioned it to her. Her reaction? "Oh I had no idea! I'm sorry, I'll be mindful not to slam it." And that was that. Never happened again.
I'm sure this list is incomplete, but I do believe that touching on these before actually tying the knot can prevent bigger problems down the line. It is not an opportunity to bring up every tiny thing you wish could change. Marriage, just as a relationship, is also about accepting an imperfect person as they are and loving them anyway. It's only fair. They're doing the same for you.
Here's the article that sparked this post: 15 Ways to Stay Married for 15 Years
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